Routine shifts are funny and it is interesting how long the adjustments seem to take, even when the changes are ones you were hoping and waiting for. Currently, I am settling into my life as a mostly stay-at-home mom and full time creative and wow, is it harder than I thought it would be. Although I do recognize that the dust is definitely still settling and I need a time of rest before truly digging in. This much needed and long awaited transition is exciting and yet daunting. Caring for the gremlin while following my creative passions full time is a feat. Not to mention, I am still trying to run the timelines of three different careers despite the fact that I left jobs in order to slow down. Nick gave me three months until I was looking for external jobs again and I am embarrassed to admit that I already have been perusing. I am restless. I am also a creature of instant gratification and while I am not afraid of the hard work, I don't always patiently await the fruits of my labor. Sometimes, I try to harvest before they are ready. Within Gastropod (that's what these blog posts are supposed to be record keeping after all),  I have made great strides (I originally typed slides by accident, what a wonderful mistake) and little progress simultaneously. It seems to me, as I have gone throughout the process, that this work is much larger than I originally thought. It is not just about the evening-length performance but also about the time it takes to get there. In the work, there is a piece temporarily (or perhaps not) titled, "Slime Trails" which explores the pace at which I relearned to walk post caesarean birth. Snails (particularly injured or ill), will occasionally save on slime production by gliding along the trail laid for them by another snail. In a lot of ways, my recovery was marked by this method with Nick setting the pace and letting me rely on his ability to move about with ease. Nick, my snail companion; Meanwhile, Eloise, a baby snail hitching a ride on my shell. The sound score is started with few edits left to be made and the beginnings of costume choices are coming to life. Choreography...Well, movement has been a bit evasive for the time. However, the pivotal moment of the story, or close to, has been choreographed and that is most encouraging. For now, I am simply trying to follow the slime trails laid before me, wherever they lead. 

Turns out artistic progress with a baby is verrry slow moving. Unlike the baby, who seems to get faster every day. She is a force to be reckoned with. I love that for her. Anyhow, the garden is growing and the seedlings are sprouting; I am resisting the temptation to pull up all of the hostas and I am trying to do my best to leave our landlord's garden intact while adding in my own plants. I have added quite a bit: Tons of herbs, lavender and chamomile, some natural dye plants like goldenrod, calendula, and cosmos. I have also made a  new bed for raspberry bushes, planted some elderberry in our old barrels, and roses are up on the ledge waiting on Nick to build them a proper box. The garden progress is similar to that of Gastropod, requiring much patience. I am truly living out the slow life of  a snail; That is one of my goal's with this project after all-to slow down. Beyond slow, the progress is sometimes painful. As I explained yesterday to a dear artist friend, to go from being a hyper productive and high-processing individual to the person I am growing into has been an enormous shift and one that requires proper mourning. But with the mourning comes mending. Did you know that a snail can regrow part of a broken shell? It will have a scar there much like human skin...Unlike human skin, a shell scar will be stronger than the area around it. Well actually, I am not sure if that is unlike human skin. In a way, the scar tissue build up is tougher and thicker but the area is also more sensitive; This is the case for my caesarean scar...I don't know how universal this experience is. All this to say...We are moving forward, if at, a snail's pace.

It has been about a month since my last post. It was not really my intention to leave this much time between writings but May is a busy month here; The company  I dance with has its final performance, the farm I work for takes part in a local studio tour, and the dance school I help run is gearing up for recital. Not to mention, I am supposed to be making great strides towards my performance piece. Even with all that going on, I am spending most of my time these days in our back yard working in the garden. I am beyond excited to be laying the groundwork for upcoming projects. My goals for the coming months involve natural dyeing, foraged ink making, various methods of eco printing, recycled papermaking, journal binding, and diving into the creative passions I have been dreaming up for years. This spring/summer season brings opportunities like never before and I cannot wait to get my hands dirty. While the decision to leave my current performance position, as well as the arts administration position I work did not come easily, it is a necessary change. Now that I have taken some crucial mourning time over the loss of these jobs, I am able to look forward to my new schedule as a mostly stay at home mom and full time creative with excitement and joy. The possibilities are truly endless and for that I am eternally grateful. 

My feet and ankles ache and I have a blister the size of a dime on my pinkie toe. Our upcoming performance is putting me on pointe shoes for the first time since the birth of our daughter 7 months ago. In fact, the last time I danced in my shoes was the fall of 2021 before I was even pregnant with our daughter. Needless to say I am out of practice. Frankly, I am also running low on motivation. Motivation has been an interesting topic as of late. Another dancer in the company is struggling with ankle stability and our artistic director asked what motivates her hoping to be able to create a game plan for at home exercises. Since their conversation, I have been wondering what motivates me. But beyond that, I have been wondering what helps a person develop discipline? Why is it that we can motivate ourselves to do the things we do not want to do but it is sometimes hard to find the energy to put towards the things we think (and say) we want to do? Is it simply because we are truly burnt out from making ourselves do all the things we don't want to do? On a somewhat related note, I am realizing more and more how much the energy of the people around me affects me. I am incredibly introverted (although my husband disagrees) and if I don't have time to recharge on my own and reset my emotions then I tend to take on the feelings of the people I am spending time with. Lately, I have noticed an overall theme of burn out and overwhelm. We all feel overwhelmed. Overwhelm: To bury or drown beneath a huge mass.  It is interesting that one might say, "I feel overwhelmed with joy" because it does not feel like being buried or drowning can ever be a good thing even if the "huge mass" is a positive emotion. In this moment, I am feeling overwhelmed because I keep writing and editing this blog post despite the fact that it is 11:12 and I would like to go to bed. Again, why do we not do the things we want? But we continue to push ourselves in the things we don't want. I no longer want to be writing in this moment and yet here I am moving forward because I made a commitment to myself and I am practicing discipline and following through. Now, can this practice of discipline carry over into other areas of life? For example, areas of creativity that I have been "wanting" to get into and yet avoiding for days, weeks, months, years? Or do I have to practice discipline in those areas in order for it to make a difference?  How do we overcome overwhelm and motivate ourselves to become the people we hope to be and live the lives we hope to live?  This existential questioning with self could go on forever so instead I am going to go to bed. 

Somehow I have gotten in my head about writing these blogposts which is not great because I am already in my head about everything else. My husband is the most supportive human in the entire world and he just brought me a bag of fruit snacks. He thinks I am cute and laughs at my jokes and I think he will love me forever no matter what. It's pretty cool to have someone like that to do life with.  The other day he looked at me and said, "maybe you aren't ready to do Gastropod yet" and I think he is on to something. Part of me recognizes the value in the vulnerability and wants to connect to it right now in its rawness. But the other part of me really wants to take the time to honor this work and do it the way that it wants to be done. The content is too important to me to just be thrown together. While the work is not my baby (wise words from Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic"), it is (in part) about my baby. The work is so tender and new, so fresh and squishy. It feels sacrilegious to have let so many people into this project so early on. I am not sure I gave space for the creative nurturing that is so vital. But alas, the work will live. It is resilient; It wants to be born. Now, how can I help it be born with what I have where I am? And how do I get what I need? I will have to get crafty and I will have to trust. Here I go, wish me luck.  

Creating can be scary and starting is the hardest part. Where can I even begin with such a large creative undertaking? I am in so far over my head and I am also not in at all. My whole life I have been a jump in and figure it out kind of person but lately I feel like I am drowning...Maybe I have been treading water for too long. Now I feel like I am swimming to land that isn't ever getting closer but man, I hecking hope it is. It is 1am and my brain feels like mashed potatoes, my eyes are actually closed as I type this. Anyhow, I am afraid of this work and I am not entirely sure why. Nor am I sure how to fix it. In this moment, I am sad. 

Currently Nick (my husband), works W-Su and I work Tu-Sat. It's not great. Not to mention that we only have external childcare help on Thursdays and Saturdays and so a lot of that time we are working AND taking care of a baby, which is honestly a little insane. Anyhow, we are very lucky to have the support we have and the options we have moving forward. As I have been working on Gastropod in this season, I have once again conceded to the necessity of slowing. Today, I was able to slow down and follow the flow of the day. I love days like that, where you can follow your curiosities. As mentioned in other blog posts, I always have to be moving, doing something but what I am remembering is that you can be doing something simple and slow for the sole purpose of enjoyment. So today, I sat in the backyard after dinner with my family and weaved together the dead leaves of last season's irises as I watched new growth burst from the ground and my baby laugh with her dad. I placed my creation atop the fence in hopes that a bird family would find it to nest. Today, I picked dandelions with the dream of making dandelion tea. Today, I rearranged pictures in the house to make it feel more like ours (have I mentioned we moved recently?). Today, I also did a lot of things that "had" to be done but the truth of the matter is, nothing HAS to be done...It all gets to be done. Sometime ago, I read somewhere that you spend time doing what you want to be doing whether you realize it or not; I don't always agree with this sentiment but it does intrigue me. Often I feel as if I am not doing at all what I want to be doing but the truth is if you want to be doing something badly enough you will. I also think we live in a very attention-deficit time full of distractions and an attention economy that constantly pulls us in a million directions; I also recognize that somethings have to be done that are not necessarily enjoyable tasks like wiping your child's butt, taking care of an ailing family member, working a job to pay the bills, paying the bills, etc. etc.. I digress. All this to say that it is time to start weaving the life that I want to be living while enjoying the truth of the life I am living because there is no use in wishing away today when I am spending it exactly the way I am choosing to. 

I couldn't sleep last night...I just laid there...for hours. And then when I finally fell asleep, the baby woke up so I was pretty tired all day and yet here it is 11:51pm and I am up writing this post. The title of this post is a bit ironic considering I ran all day on pure adrenaline. But I also found rest in different ways. A book I read (maybe listened to) a little while ago taught me to look at rest a little bit differently. Sometimes rest looks like taking a nap; Sometimes rest looks like changing activities for a bit. Today, rest looked like intentionally choosing to not let myself explore the big thoughts and feelings that came up. I knew that if I let myself get into it with career moves or the "who am I" discussion that I have been having with myself, that I just wouldn't have a good time. Today, I needed rest and I took it. Tomorrow, I am going to take it, too and I bet it will look different from the rest of today. I am learning a lot through this online record..Sometimes my ramblings feel like journal entries into a void; Nick described my posts as a peak into my brain. So, welcome; It is a little cluttered in here, we are in the midst of renovations. 

Sometimes I don't know when to stop talking...I am a verbal processor and my mouth sometimes works faster than my brain. In conversations, I have to remind myself to stop and listen to the other person. I also have to actively think about asking the other person questions. People love to talk about themselves. But man, am I tired of hearing myself talk. Heck, I am tired of hearing myself think. I realized a few weeks ago that this post pregnancy brain of mine often feels like the static of a tv that has lost satellite reception but it also sometimes feels like all the thoughts are causing that static, little tiny blobs of various shades of gray competing for screen time. 

So for the last three years, I have spent 15 hours a week in ballet rehearsals and as of yesterday, I will not be continuing with that. I mean, I will finish the season through May but then I will be moving away from the most consistent dance performance job I have ever had and yesterday is when I solidified that decision with my artistic director. I have a lot of feelings about this (and nothing but gratitude for my time spent with the company) that I may or may not share at a later date but for today I will share on the importance of creative change. Up until now, you have probably gathered that I don't really like change. However, I am slowly realizing just how important change is to art making. Without change, we end up doing the same thing day in and day out. We end up trying to perfect our craft, sometimes to a fault. Without change, we don't have a need to think outside of the box because we live within a box that is always the same. I am realizing now that I have been stuck in a box that I put myself in-A box that I crafted and perfected. I have grown comfortable and complacent in this box and when I conceived my baby, I held on firmly to my box and the pride I had wrapped up inside of it, hoping that after my baby's birth, my box would still be there, perfect and untouched. Of course, that is not what happened because now there is a hecking baby in the box with me! Not to mention all the changes that occurred to what I thought of as MY box when I left it for a time (newsflash, some of the things in my box were not mine to begin with). Anyways, within "my" box, I thought I had wrapped up all that made me, me. But the truth is, I never belonged inside that box and the box I had called mine for so long wasn't quite right. So I am here to say that I am ready to think outside of that box. Sometimes you need an outside force to shake the box up so that you can get out of it. Sometimes you can make a choice to shake things up all on your own. Today I did not move towards my own creativity when it comes to Gastropod or my next creative callings (more on that at a later date) but I did shake up my creative box tonight when my husband let me cut his hair. It was so freeing and joy filled and when I was done, we laughed until we cried...My next creative calling is definitely not haircutting. But alas, this simple creative act made me think differently. I am starting to think differently again-Outside of the box that I put myself in.