April 19th, 2023

My feet and ankles ache and I have a blister the size of a dime on my pinkie toe. Our upcoming performance is putting me on pointe shoes for the first time since the birth of our daughter 7 months ago. In fact, the last time I danced in my shoes was the fall of 2021 before I was even pregnant with our daughter. Needless to say I am out of practice. Frankly, I am also running low on motivation. Motivation has been an interesting topic as of late. Another dancer in the company is struggling with ankle stability and our artistic director asked what motivates her hoping to be able to create a game plan for at home exercises. Since their conversation, I have been wondering what motivates me. But beyond that, I have been wondering what helps a person develop discipline? Why is it that we can motivate ourselves to do the things we do not want to do but it is sometimes hard to find the energy to put towards the things we think (and say) we want to do? Is it simply because we are truly burnt out from making ourselves do all the things we don't want to do? On a somewhat related note, I am realizing more and more how much the energy of the people around me affects me. I am incredibly introverted (although my husband disagrees) and if I don't have time to recharge on my own and reset my emotions then I tend to take on the feelings of the people I am spending time with. Lately, I have noticed an overall theme of burn out and overwhelm. We all feel overwhelmed. Overwhelm: To bury or drown beneath a huge mass.  It is interesting that one might say, "I feel overwhelmed with joy" because it does not feel like being buried or drowning can ever be a good thing even if the "huge mass" is a positive emotion. In this moment, I am feeling overwhelmed because I keep writing and editing this blog post despite the fact that it is 11:12 and I would like to go to bed. Again, why do we not do the things we want? But we continue to push ourselves in the things we don't want. I no longer want to be writing in this moment and yet here I am moving forward because I made a commitment to myself and I am practicing discipline and following through. Now, can this practice of discipline carry over into other areas of life? For example, areas of creativity that I have been "wanting" to get into and yet avoiding for days, weeks, months, years? Or do I have to practice discipline in those areas in order for it to make a difference?  How do we overcome overwhelm and motivate ourselves to become the people we hope to be and live the lives we hope to live?  This existential questioning with self could go on forever so instead I am going to go to bed.